


Almost Lovers

by patroklassy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Era, Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-28
Updated: 2016-07-28
Packaged: 2018-07-27 09:22:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7612597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patroklassy/pseuds/patroklassy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A scene for every image from "Almost Lover" by A Fine Frenzy.<br/>And a funeral.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Almost Lovers

Erwin traced a finger along the lines of Levi’s palm. “You know, apparently there are trees called ‘palm trees’ farther beyond the Walls. Farther than we can go.”

Levi watched the movement of Erwin’s finger. “That sounds stupid. A palm doesn’t look like anything. It’s just round.”

They sat on the couch in Erwin’s office, the lamps burning low. Erwin was supposed to be signing the death reports from the infiltration of titans into Wall Rose, but Levi had forced him to take a break. Mike’s name was somewhere in that pile of papers.

“Maybe we’ll see them someday,” Erwin said.

“Yeah,” Levi replied. It felt hypnotic, the movement of Erwin’s finger. He pictured shadowy trees in his head, unfamiliar and indistinct, rustling in a wind he couldn't feel. One of the lamps burned out completely, plummeting them into a heavier shade of darkness. A single feeble orange glow was left, sending uneven shadows around them. “Maybe we will, Erwin.”

\--

“What is that?” Levi asked.

“I don’t know,” Erwin said, opening his eyes. He had been murmuring something, a quiet tune he didn’t know all the words to. “A lullaby, maybe. I think my mother used to sing it to me. Sorry. I’ll stop.”

“No—don’t. I was enjoying it.”

Erwin took up his tune again, feeling self-conscious now he knew Levi was listening.

He didn’t have a good singing voice so he sang it soft, hushed. The hospital was quiet. His sheets itched his legs and the remainder of his right arm ached terribly.

It was dark outside. When he finished his tune and looked back to Levi, Levi’s eyes watched him from a dove-grey, serene face.

Levi was . . .

Levi was company.

\--

“I hate it here,” Levi said. “The capital smells like pigs.”

Erwin could feel the closeness of Levi, walking as if attached to his hip. People were jostling each other, hurrying down the streets, but they all steered clear of Erwin. Not that they knew who he was. Just that he was taller than most of them and wore an expression that made their courage wither. 

“We don’t have to stay long,” Erwin said. “This should be over quickly.”

The farther they walked the more the crowds thickened, threatening to force them apart despite Erwin’s presence.

The feeling of Levi’s arm looping around his waist surprised him.

“Not that I could ever lose a gargantuan like you in a crowd,” Levi explained, “but I’d like to stick together all the same.”

\--

“We might never get another chance,” Erwin said, holding out his hand.

Levi took one look at his face and knew he couldn’t deny Erwin this.

The music playing from the gramophone in Erwin’s office was scratchy and quiet.

Erwin led, his left hand holding Levi’s right. Their boots made dull sounds upon the wooden floor as they moved. Levi had never waltzed before. He followed Erwin and trusted his feet not to trip either of them up. His left hand was settled on Erwin’s shoulder. He felt the absence on his waist where Erwin couldn’t touch him.

Erwin stepped in closer and leaned his chin into the crook of Levi’s neck. Levi’s head came to rest against the warmth of Erwin’s chest. Together, they swayed in time to the 6/8 beat.

He could hear Erwin’s heart beating. It was a solid sound, a little faster than it should be. It felt like listening to the heartbeat of the earth itself. He hated and loved the sound: it made Erwin mortal.

\--

Levi told Erwin to give up his dream and die, and Erwin kissed him. It was the first time he had ever kissed Levi.

“I will never forget,” he said, “everything we had.”

Levi didn’t say anything back, but his answer was in his eyes.

_Everything we had._

Erwin was talking about the quiet nights in his office together, working or talking or just sitting, being each other’s company when it felt like everyone else was either dead or against them.

He was talking about Levi’s face being the first thing he saw every time he woke up in that hospital bed.

He was talking about waltzing in his office because in the midst of war, it was a small sanctuary.

He was talking about loving Levi in an impossible way.

\--

Levi pressed his head to Erwin’s chest. It wasn’t warm this time.

And there was no thudding heart, no racing pulse. Quiet.

“No,” he said. “Erwin, _no._ ”

It wasn’t him begging, it wasn’t him asking Erwin to breathe again. It was him telling Erwin that _he had no choice_ , a demand. 

But Erwin was the commander, not him.

\--

He was glad Mike was dead. Mike would never have gotten the smell of Erwin burning out of those nostrils of his.

Not that Levi ever would, either.

“This is a genuine salute, soldiers!” he cried, echoing Erwin’s words from—how long ago was that now? A lifetime. His voice wavered, turned unsteady by the threat of tears. “Together we give our hearts to the thirteenth commander of the survey corps! We give our hearts to Erwin Smith!”

Behind him came the resounding thud of fifty fists hitting chests in salute.

The flames of the pyre leaped high.

Levi didn't break his salute until they had burned down to smoulders, the wood turned to ash.

\--

He had walked the paths a thousand times, forming invisible networks between the barracks, the training grounds, headquarters, Erwin’s office. He had walked them a thousand times at Erwin’s side.

He couldn't walk them now.

Here was where they had stood, shoulders pressed together. There was where Erwin had managed to make Levi laugh, a rare thing. And there . . . where they had held hands once, watching the cadets train, the shadows concealing their illicit touch.

Here, there, everywhere, was where Levi Ackerman had fallen in love with Erwin Smith.

\--

Sometimes, in the mornings, Erwin would be there before Levi woke.

Sometimes, Levi would wake in his chair to find breakfast waiting for him, because they had important business to get on with but Erwin wanted Levi to sleep in as long as possible.

Sometimes.

Levi woke in his chair and for a while he considered maybe just staying in it. Maybe, if he stayed in it long enough, he would simply cease to be.

And then he would never have to come to terms with a world that Erwin Smith no longer existed in.

\--

The smell of the sea was familiar, even though Levi had never set foot on a shore before. He had shed enough tears to know what the combination of salt, wind and water smelled like.

The urn was warm in his hands, he’d been holding it so long. He wasn’t going to scatter the ashes. He didn’t like the thought of Erwin being spread out like that, haphazardly, torn in different directions. His heart and mind could end up miles apart from each other in that much water. And Erwin had already spent his life feeling torn apart.

Levi selected a grassy rise at the northern end of the bay, far enough back from the sand that the tide wouldn’t be able to wear at it. He began to dig. 

\--

A cairn was the only marker for Erwin’s grave. He deserved more than that, and one day soon Levi would add something more permanent, something people wouldn’t mistake for the kind of thing a child might build in their boredom.

And one day somebody else would dig here too, and Levi’s bones would settle in the ground with Erwin’s. Wildflowers would grow above them.

But not yet.

He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to do. Leave? He would live there, right next to that little cairn, if he could. Maybe he would. Maybe he would build a house by this beach.

“Goodbye, Erwin,” he said in the end. It was too simple. But Erwin’s life had been complicated, so simple was good.

Tears sprang in Levi’s eyes. He wondered if he would cry his own ocean before he finally got to join Erwin.

He intended to walk away, but he fell to his knees instead.

His heart ached. Was that possible? This was for Erwin: anything was possible.

“Goodbye,” Levi said, a hand pressed to the grass in front of the cairn, “my Almost.”

**Author's Note:**

> "This is a genuine salute, soldiers!" is from the English dub of the anime, ep. 16.  
> Credit to hephaistionisawesome.tumblr.com for the rest of Levi's words during the funeral :)


End file.
